 It's
3am. Has a car just silently coasted up to the house, lights off, waited five
seconds, and then sounded the horn loudly waking the entire street? |
 Is
it an ex-rental Ford Granda Scopio 3.0GL, fully loaded, leather interior, automatic,
insurance write-off? |
 Is
the driver wearing a black blouson zip-up leather jacket with shirt and tie beneath,
smart pale grey trousers with razor sharp horizontal ridges around the crotch,
and slip-on tasselled soft loafers? |
 Has
his bobbly wooden seat cover had apparently little countering effect on his sedentary
lifestyle which has left his body resembling a dustbin liner full of ham fat? |
| Inside,
does it smell powerfully of coconut-scented air freshener? |
| Do
you inspect the seats thoroughly to check for puke stains, chewing gum, and other
basic bodily expulsion before you commit your arse to it? |
| Are
there six different licenses, with photographs, sellotaped to the back of his
front seat, none of which are him? |
| Is
a very, very loud six-speaker stereo system playing Melody Radio? |
| Does
the driver keep pretending to be a policeman / fighter pilot by saying "Tew
four. This is tew-four. P.O.B. 5 mins. Over" |
| Does
he appear to be steering the car with his thigh? Has this freed up his hands to
chat on the radio, adjust his genitals and making the occasional wanker signs
at Nissan drivers? |
| Does
the driver have absolutely no fucking idea where he's going even though you're
heading for a well-known local street? Do you eventually, in a fit of pique, wrench
the A-to-Z from his lap and direct him there yourself? |
|
Does
he get talking to you about how the country is in a godawful state and then give
you his full manifesto on how his ideas would sort it all out as you slip in and
out of inebriated consciousness?
|
Does
he grossly mis-understand "we have to be at the airport in half an hour"
to mean "drive like a crazy mother fucker , swerving between M25 traffic,
nearly driving into a hgv's / car transporters tailgate, while you cling desperately
to your partner..."
|
| Does
the minicab driver look blankly at you when he runs over a small child who has
been kicking a football at the side of the road before driving on as if nothing
has happened? |
| As
you are pulled over by the police for 'undertaking' someone by screaming past
them down the bus lane at seventy, does he turn to you all and mutter 'You're
friends of mine, right?'? |
| Has
the driver got out of the car apparently to help with the luggage but actually
just to stand there holding the boot open while you hernia your three suitcases
onto the pavement? |
| Oh
and has he not got change for anything bigger than a fiver? |
| » submit
your Minicab observations |
| |
