 Are
you the result of an embarrassing blunder at the sperm bank involving donations
from Derek Griffiths and Lionel Richie? |
 When
asked your name, do you repeat it six times, then spell it out letter by letter? |
| Do
you refer to yourself in the third person, despite having no other signs of bipolar
disorder? |
 Do
you operate a barter system with strangers who ask you the time, demanding they
provide you with their name, a six-digit number, and a date tomorrow at nine? |
 Is
your facial hair as pristinely manicured as a female porn star's pubes? |
| Is
your head hair as bobbly as an old granny's tea-cosy? |
| Like
God, do you rest on Sundays? |
| Do
you romanticise teenage love in your lyrics, refusing to admit that for most of
your audience it consists of dry humping and frenching people with braces? |
| Are
you regarded by the nation's impressionable youth as being an underground garage
star even though the last thing you did that was remotely 'underground' was turn
up while Artful Dodger was recording Re-Rewind and mutter your name several times? |
| Despite
being lauded by the broadsheets as a rare talent, have Artful Dodger recently
recruited a singer who sounds so much like you it suggests you were actually built
on a production line somewhere near Telford? |
| Does
your singing voice occupy the rarely-trodden centre ground between Smokey Robinson
and Stephen Hawking? |
| Do
you have delusions of sexual grandeur? |
| Do
you live with your mother? |
| » submit
your Craig David observation |
