 For
the past few weeks, have your fellow housemates started mysteriously disappearing
one by one every Friday night? |
 Look
around. Are you surrounded by the thickest, most boring, self-adoring morons ever
gathered under one solar panneled roof? |
| Does
this line of reasoning sound familiar: "Fairplay to ya…wicked…yeah, that's cool
- wicked…fairplay..cool…you know, well then…fairplay to ya" |
 Are
you almost insane with the frenzied frustration of not having had sex for 59 days
and 4 hours, and now spend every waking moment planning how to achieve a surreptitious
wank beneath the bedclothes whilst apparently reading a copy of Jung Chang's "Wild
Swans" propped up on your knee? |
 Has
your failed attempt at a covert wank been caught on camera and made it onto the
front page of at least one national newspaper? |
| Have
you not the foggiest idea of the result in the England v Greece match / Jill Dando
trial / Napster ruling / Jeffrey Archer / Tory leadership election? |
| Have
you just had a protracted argument with an educationally subnormal Welshwoman
in a leopardskin bikini over the purchase of a Family Size Pack of Economy 2-ply
Toilet Tissue (priced £1.09) versus the purchase of a 1.5l bottle of Strongbow
(priced £1.49) which resulted in at least one of you retiring to your bedroom
and sobbing on the shoulders of a seemingly sympathetic fellow housemate, who
unbeknownst to you has just nominated you for eviction on the grounds that you're
a bone-idle, dog-breathed, selfish twat? |
| Has
a disembodied voice announced that your "weekly task" is to build an accurate
scale model of the human genome using just a box of tooth picks and some California
Raisins? |
| Do
you keep your pants on in the shower? |
| Are
you constantly agog / weeping at the horrors this program is putting you through
despite the fact that you FUCKING APPLIED TO BE ON IT. WHAT DID YOU FUCKING EXPECT? |
| Are
you the only household in the country whose inhabitants don't discuss what's going
on in "Big Brother"? |
| » submit
your Big Brother observation |
| Do
you have hordes of screaming morons slavering like a pack of fucking jackals turning
up outside you place of residence every Friday night, being whipped onto an insane
frenzy every time Davina McCall utters the word "uhhh" |
| Is
your idea of an exciting evening consuming a large quantity of cheap Tesco's cider,
jumping into a hot tub, shouting incomprehensible crap at your housemates, then
crying in a corner for 2 hours? |
