Are You In One Of Those Bars? - Seethru Zine Ticklists

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are you in one of those bars?
Brown leather seventies chairs, C-list DJs, and your wallet empty after just one round. What's going on? Could you be in an over-fashionable drinking emporium?

A year's salary in liquid form

radical chic anyone?

500 million years of evolution just so we could do this

Check the prevailing 'scruffy' style. Are the boys wearing parkas and extensive head-to-toe skatewear, even though they've not been near a board since a nasty 14-year-old told them to 'fuck off grandad?'

Are there fashionably photogenic girls clad in denim skirts, batwing sleeved retro tops and pointy pointy shoes? Are both sexes wearing standard-issue studded belts, asymmetrical punky mullet hairdos, and harsh glasses?

Listen. Is a terrible eighties record playing? Is it 'Automatic' by the Pointer Sisters?

Can you also hear the constant unfastening of velcro, the mwah mwah of air kisses, and overuse of the word "facking" in the groups of 35 year old teenagers standing next to you?

Are there 2 bouncers nearly wearing some kind of SAS communications equipment, attempting to chat up girls 15 years younger than themselves?

Are most of the tabletops covered not with pint glasses or overflowing ashtrays, but with a selection of the clientele's mobile phones, lying there like some kind of slug race?

Study the glass in your hand. Does it contain some kind of alcoholic Benilyn?

Are there artsy, pixellated club flyers all over the bar top and tables? Do people who feel ill at ease in this insufferably trendy environment keep nonchalantly rifling through and scrutinizing them while taking self-conscious chugs of their bottled beer?

Is the bartender useless at mixing drinks? Is that because he's really a photographer? Is the waitress really a actress?

Do they leave your change in a little dish, hoping for a tip, despite the fact the 2 glasses of water left you with 37p change from £20?

Do the toilets have a long line of people ostensibly waiting to do a poo, who seem rather agitated at the idea of waiting? Do you wonder whythe cleaners leave so much Ajax on the cisterns?

Is there some old bat parked on a chair passing you slivers of bog roll to dry your hands and trying to dust you with a selection of old Boots Tester perfumes?

Have the fashionista post-ironic bar owners installed a urinal in the ladies?

Are you quite clearly the least attractive person within a 10 metre radius? Have you just left the bar, feeling inadequate and vulnerable, vowing never to return?

Malborolights?

Is everyone a beautiful person apart from one guy that's sitting at the bar reading Moby Dick and looking all "Hmmmmm thought provoking" but still has no-one to talk to?

Are you quite clearly the least attractive person within a 10 metre radius? Have you just left the bar, feeling inadequate and vulnerable, vowing never to return?

» submit your one of those bars observation
» see our list of wanky bars

written by Amp, Joel Morris & David McCandless
additional contributions: Ewan M Ashford, Paul De Gregorio, Andrew Brown, Mark Hosker, Chris McLellan, Phil Rennie, CCarrington, Ciaran Norris, Paul Ockenden, Nick Cowen, Mark Hosker, John Taylo, Ben De Haan, Gjeffcock, Suzie Flowersr


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