 Do
you feel an uncontrollable desire to start your car by punching through the glass
of the drivers door, then ripping wires from under the steering column? |
 Whenever
you shift into gear and release the handbrake, does Kenny Loggins start playing?
|
 Did
you start your day at loggerheads with a hotheaded young buck, only to develop
a grudging respect for their methods as the day wore on? |
 Do
you cross the road by running into heavy traffic causing cars to squeal their
brakes while you steady yourself on their bonnets?
|
| Has
your black superior officer given you just "twenty-four more hours" to crack this
case"? Will he "have your badge" if you "screw up"? |
| And
before bedtime, do you feel it is likely you will be lured into some kind of climactic
shoot-out in a hall of mirrors? |
| Are
any of the following people nearby, sneering: Michael Ironside, Joss Ackland,
Lance Henriksen, Carl Weathers, James Belushi, Eric Roberts, Jon Voight, Gary
Busey, Danny Trejo, Christopher Walken, Tim Curry, Kiefer Sutherland, Bolo Yeung,
Brion James, Frank Langella, or Will Patton? |
| Are
you divorced and live in a cruddy little flat because your wife got the house
and custody of the child, whose birthday you nearly always forget? |
| Is
the arch-villian's base conveniently situated in an abandoned chemical factory
near the old docks. Helpfully, does it have miles of ventiation ducting which,
for no clear reason, has been built big enough to hold a man? |
| Before
heading to this base, do you have a strange urge to wordlessly prepare and sheath
guns, knives, grenades and a crossbow? |
|
When shown on network television, does your dialogue contains words like "motherfarmer",
"freak you" and "sockcutter"? |
| Does
the arch-villain have a female martial arts sidekick of questionable sexuality
who appears to want to duff up your female sidekick in a lengthy yet strangely
bloodless fight? |
| Does
a sort of 'king' henchman who is larger / blonder than the rest and doesn't really
say much keep appearing? |
| Have
you ever run from a burning building and flung yourself headlong behind a conveniently
placed mound of earth at the precise moment the building explodes, thus ensuring
you are not blown to smithereens, but merely have a few streaks of dust on your
face? |
| Have
you sustained wounds that would fell an adult elephant? But do you only grimace
slightly then totally ignore them for the rest of the film, until your arch rival
thrusts rusty metal spikes into them in the final confrontation? |
| Have
you recently done something so spectacular that a nearby drunk has rubbed his
eyes in disbelief before staring accusingly at his bottle? |
| Has
the sardonic leader of a group of European terrorists spent the last ten minutes
climbing somewhere absurdly high, only to plummet to his death, when he would
have been perfectly OK had he stayed on the ground and just shot you? |
| At
the conclusion of the movie, does your tough, uncompromising black police chief
tell you: "You're suspended for two weeks with full pay - now get your ass
to Miami Beach. (Then do credits role with hero cop in a bikini jam with cocktail
and hot-rocking babe in hand) |
| » submit
your 80s action movie observation |
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