If you hear yourself using more than three
of the following words in a sentence, you must do the world a favour
and impale yourself on the nearest spike
click throughs
aesthetic criteria
sticky content
synergy
strategic fit
swings and roundabouts
think outside
the box
key performance
indicators
touch base
wireless strategy
action-items
channels
e-markets
e-tailers
e-fucking anything
schemas
bricks'n'clicks
clicks'n'mortar
cutting edge
granular
suggest
one
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"Synergise
your portal with granular sticky content!"
For the thousands of ex-estate agents and directionless,
hopeless, middle class Trustafarians who have just discovered the
Web, the Net is suddenly the new frontier, a gold rush, a steaming
great cash cow bursting to be milked.
There are ads for websites all over place. Every money-grabbing
no-hoper with a rich dad now has an 'idea' of how to make 'millions'
from a 'site'.
Worse though are the hateful Internet strategy consultants and
their hateful Internet strategy buzzwords.
For example, no one launches a 'website' anymore. They have 'portals'.
And what is a portal? It's a door right. The consultants will tell
you that it is a doorway to a collection of related sites. (Which
has the advantage that often you don't have to generate any content
yourself - just enjoy credibility by association with the sites
you link to.) So a portal is a special website which takes you somewhere.
That somewhere is usually the credit card ordering page of the product
they're trying to hock.
Most of these portals enthusiastically invite you ('eyeballs') to
join their 'community' where gazillions of people like yourself
from all around the world gather in 'virtual chat' rooms and message
forums to have fascinating discussions and feel like they belong.
Closer inspection of this 'cutting edge' community reveals impressively
barren chat forums where the last message, posted 28th July 1998,
reads: "Warez the warez m8? I will swap Photoshop 5 for Bryce 4.
L8ters."
If you have any complaints you're invited to e-mail the 'webmaster'.
What the hell is his job? Have you ever met anyone who said they
were a 'webmaster'?
Actually, they're in charge of 'content' (the words and pictures
which disguise the fact that you're just selling a product) and,
in particular, 'sticky content' which is 'interactive' stuff like
daily polls and piss-poor Shockwave games - this is the foundation
of the site, the 'clicks'n'mortar' that gets 'users' revisiting
the site, sorry 'portal', over and over again.
Don't ever forget: you knew the Internet before it was famous.
by
Mike
related links:
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