There are laws in this country for things you can't do until you're old enough. Want to drive? Drink? Smoke? Shag? Well you can't. Not until you're an adult.

But isn't it about time there were rules which applied to the older generation? Things you're 'too old' to do?

To be specific, there should be a law which clearly states:

"No aged parent shall be permitted to own a computer."

Ah, no, you think. It's really good that my parents, even in their dotage, are showing an interest in modern technology.

No it bloody isn't.

Have you ever been rung up at 10am Saturday morning to be asked how to "set up this scanner thingamajig"? Ever had your dad screaming down the phone at you because 'the telly screen thing's gone all blue" and he "can't see the typing"?

In the pre-technology olden days, Sunday visits to the family home might have been dull, but at least you were guaranteed a hot roast, too much wine and a kip in front of the afternoon film.

Nowadays, the moment you put down your knife and fork you're being rushed into another room to install the printer, show them how to get past the Harbour Master in Monkey Island IV, and explain for the 800th time the difference between RAM and "hard-disk memory".

It's bad enough trying to solve a technical problem over the phone, without someone who only mastered the controls to the video two years ago giving you all sorts of extraneous information that they think is important.

"No, I don't give a shit what colour the background is - just tell me what the error message is!"

"Save me the rambling epic of the 'disappearing Word document' and fucking right click on properties!"

Please Mum? Please Dad? Please sod off back to your Pride and Prejudice videos. Stop trying to be up to date. Please?

by Jake Plaskow