"The great thing about Madonna is that she re-invents herself all the time."

"Constantly re-inventing her persona - that's her secret"

"Madonna? She's the perfect post-modern pop star. You see, she re-invents herself."

Okay, I get the point. She fucking re-invents herself.

But you have to wonder - why have the English gone quite so Madonna mad? "Well you see she constantly reinven…" SHUT UP

Somehow the woman who brought us Hanky Panky, the spiral bound Sex book, and Body of Evidence, has become cool - and not in an ironic way. It's actually genuinely hip to like Madonna now.

It can't be her talent. Regardless of the shine leading producers give her, her success is clearly out of proportion to her abilities.

She may win a Brit Award this year but she'll still go to bed that night an average singer, an okay dancer, and a so-so performer.

But what has Madonna ever done? What has Madonna ever said? What has Madonna contributed to the advancement of human civilisation?

Oh yeah sorry, the Erotica Tour.

And in the glare of the spotlight we've lost our bearings, forgotten all her previous crimes. Certainly, here in little old Engerland she's found a gooey-eyed public that dotes on her every move.

It's okay to like Madonna because she likes us. We're flattered by her attentions, thrilled that she's married to one of our most scintillating young film directors.

Ok so that bit doesn't quite seem to work.

Mr Madonna is a problem. His films just aren't any good.

We've all seen Lock, Stock, And A Bunch Of Posh Actors Pretending To Be From The East End By Saying "Nuffink" - an embarrassing mix of comic-book playground gangsterisms and dogshit.

But for Madonna, this talented auteur is essential. She's re-invented herself again, you see, 'English' is her latest incarnation. We are the latest fad. And a young Brit film director is as English as a plastic policeman's helmet.

But it's Mr Madonna I worry about. We'll be alright. We'll get over it when she's wooing Japan or shacked up with Equatorial Guinea.

But him - he's married to the poster from his teenage bedroom wall.

by Barney Ronay