"The Colonel's new Popcorn Chicken. It's real slam-dunking good!"

The colonel's latest innovation is snappy, catchy and bite-sized. It's popcorn chicken. That's right, chicken-flavoured popcorn. Don't think about it too much.

But, I dunno, there's something about that colonel. Never trust a middle-aged man who takes care of his looks. He was alright when he just sort of sat there, shyly guarding that secret breadcrumb recipe.

Now, however, he moves. He speaks. He even - incredibly - breakdances.

No wonder he's so happy! He's not a chicken!

The Colonel may be really proud of his chicken meal-deals, but he clearly doesn't like chickens. 736 million intensively reared 'broiler chickens' die by his hand each year.

It gives a new slant to the catchphrase: "Nobody does chicken like KFC".

And it's not a great life while it lasts - think of being fed to slaughter weight in 42 days, the likelyhood of having crippled legs, and your beak cut off to stop you from fighting.

And suddenly this, surely the most unfashionable of takeaway foods, has a cult celebrity following.

According to the KFC website. Just look at this rabble: David Beckham, Denise Lewis, Noami Campbell, Liam Gallagher and Ali G (apparently missing the point completely on the last one).

Liam? Yeah I can see him drunkenly fondling a zinger tower burger, but you've got to wonder how many buckets of popcorn chicken Naomi's eaten recently.

The colonel needs us to survive. Every deep fried, breadcrumbed, guilt-ridden mouthful of white meat makes him stronger.

So take my advice. Get down to your local KFC. Buy a large bucket of the colonel's popcorn chicken. Empty it out on to the greasy plastic counter, seize the cardboard bucket, puncture it at one end, hold it to your lips, megaphone-style, and repeat after me, as loud as you can:

"NO! I WILL NOT EAT YOUR POP CORN CHICKEN! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU CREEPY 2-D BODY POPPING CARTOON CONFEDERATE CORPORATE CHICKEN-KILLING MIDGET"

That'll tell 'em.

by Barney Ronay

related links:
KFC.com nutritional database »
The Chickterian Info page »