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10 Reasons Why Jamie Oliver Is So My
Bitch
1 He can't stop talking dirty
All the way through his books. 'Strip it bare and make
it work'; 'Harder and sweatier'; 'morning glory' 'gagging for it', 'hardcore action
in the kitchen', etc. etc. etc.
2 He is cute
Not some lameoid magazine stereotype of cute, all lantern-jawed
and tanned. Really cute. Julie Burchill put it eloquently: 'Not fancying Jamie
Oliver would be as perverse as not fancying a golden labrador puppy, and I certainly
don't intend to rock the boat on this one.' Quite.
3 He is thick
Apparently the only GCSE's he attained were Art and
Geology. But who needs brains in one's cook? This only adds to his appeal. He
will not be answering back.
4 He is married to a posh bird
Women like men who can commit. If we could just get
him off her, we think, he will commit like that to me.
5 He does housework
Despite being married to that posh bird, he does all
the cooking. You gotta love that in a boy.
6 He actually respects women
When asked about his favourite chefs he answered, 'As
far as I'm concerned, all the people I have respect for are women. ' Yowsa!
7 He's a bit naughty
Despite all this respect and commitment business, he
is an Essex lad. A working-class bit of rough. You feel that he would, if he felt
the urge, tumble you across the kitchen floor, and not pick you up afterwards.
8 Men hate him
It is fun to fancy someone the opposite sex hate. That
is precisely why Pamela Anderson is so popular.
9 He facilitates homosexual harem
fantasies
Iany straight girls like to diddle their skittles over
images of, say, Jamie Oliver and Louis Theroux getting it on. Well, ok, I do.
Little Jamie, with his coterie of mates, so youthful and enthusiastic, makes this
easier than ever.
10 He's not afraid of moist things
I Ever see him make bread?
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