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the summer festival guide
camping area
a whole new society complete with crime and
class structure
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| Localised weather conditions perplexingly out of step with the rest of the country. |
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| Feral children in Kidz Area constructing enormous Wicker Man. |
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| Two 14 year olds who thought that a car blanket and a 1.5 litre bottle of Pepsi would ‘‘be enough’’. |
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| Inexplicable Senegalese jazz act on World Stage performing to a crowd of eight men with beards and one woman (also with beard). |
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| Tepee fields inhabited entirely by dreadlocked trustafarians called Toby. |
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| Professional elder festival goer with 3 storey deluxe tent with electricity, satellite dish, running water, solar sill and own small economic monetary system. |
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| Fornicating couple silhouetted against tent canvas by candlelight. |
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| Copies of Festival programme and Select magazine used as shoes / firelighters / rizlas / bandages and contraception. |
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| 52-year old mother of eight regaling stoned audience with stories of how she fellated Jimi Hendrix in 1970. |
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| Bright dayglo hypertent paid for by self-conscious yoof style brand. (Empty). |
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| Bloke from Macclesfield with Kangol hat on and no shirt, whirling round and round, clearly having the best day of his life. |
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| Pink haireed Eurotourists who’ve decorated their tent with tinsel, bacofoil and a big flag. |
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| Worthy Alt-Food Organic Tofu and Cranberry stall, with no queue. |
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| Horrible Stir Fry slop caravan, worryingly close to Portaloo. |
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| Queue of mud-caked waifs standing ankle deep in chow mein. |
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| Pack of insulting, roving Scallies with everything you own in their pockets. |
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| Group of paranoid urban first timers, with huddled tents surrounded by tripwires and claymores, and a 24 hour security guard to watch over their luxury portable Aga hob. |
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| Alpha Male camper pissing around encampment to mark territory before unveiling stash of penknives, jerry cans, assault rifles and tinned goods. |
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| Huge crowd spending 8 hours watching b-list indie bands because Pat told them that Radiohead will be playing a surprise acoustic set. |
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