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the summer festival guide
entrance and main stage area
quick hurry I think I can hear Dogy
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| Granada service station picked clean of Rizlas, Andrex and Wheat Crunchies. |
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| Locals camped on nearby hill listening to swishy doppler-effect version of festival |
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| Your car. You know where it is because it’s a red one. And it’s parked next to a blue one. |
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| Lone sniper on nearby hill hoping to take out Rolf Harris. |
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| Geostationary telecom satellite, brought down by 40,000 people at the mixing desk all trying to send ‘‘WHERE FUK R U?’’ text messages to their mates at the same time. |
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| Police drugs roadblock staffed by Stussy T-shirt wearing plainclothes monkeys, cynically placed at sole entrance to festival. |
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| Lunatic who has constructed an itinerary of bands and stage times on his laptop, yet spends entire festival lost in crowds or waiting for friends ‘‘under the mixing desk’’. |
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| 40,000 people waiting for their mates ‘‘by the mixing desk’’. |
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| 20,000 people who have paid £75 to be here, sitting by the front of the stage, watching the performance on the monitor screens. |
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| Fist fight caused by festivalgoer repeatedly saying ‘‘It’s Pilton, not Glastonbury...’’ |
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