01 A friend indicates you have something at the corner of your mouth. What is it?
Toothpaste
Kellog's Crunchy Nut Cornflakes
Blood
Foam

02 Which of your old childhood habits do you still secretly indulge in?
Taking the prize out of the box before eating the cereal.
Playing with Barbies / Action men
Wetting the bed
Chronic public masturbation
Killing small animals and licking their bones

03 Which dream do you have more often?
The naked at school or work dream
The falling dream
The flying dream
The deviant sexual dream
The deviant sexual dream involving a parent, a large glove, and some plum sauce

04 Finish this sentence: They'll all be sorry when I'm…
In a coma
Dead
Armed

05 Which of the following are you most afraid of?
Intimacy
Door handles
A hair on enamel
Tomatoes
George W. Bush

06 What are you most addicted to?
Booze
Fags
Fruit machines
Crack
The Daily Mail
Hitchhikers

07 Look at this picture. [rorsach] What do you see?
Butterfly
Two pigs dancing
The swirling vortex at the centre of the universe
Sex

08 How many times a day do you wash your hands?
Never
Once
2-3 times
20000 times

09 The current object of your desire has just said something mildly amusing. How long do you laugh?
About a minute
I don't laugh at all
An hour, with my head back and jaw unhinged, so everyone can see my fish-like gullet

10 If you were an evil genius and you had to kill James Bond, which method would you use?
Booby-trapped exploding zeppelin
Underwater knife fight
Booby-trapped exploding Pussy Galore
Disembowel him with a spade, then gather his steaming intestinal ropes and knit yourself a jersey
A gun

11 You're in a meeting that you should've prepared for but didn't. Your boss asks a question you can't answer. What do you do?
Talk for as long as you can, using as many buzzwords as possible
Say "I don't know", go red, and feel everyone's eyes on you
Make silly jokes until everyone laughs at the "office flake"
Smother the guy next to you with your notepad, pick-up the water cooler, throw it out the window and run to freedom

12 Are you Jesus? (be honest)
Yes
No

13 True / False bonus round
Lagging? Pick up some extra crazy points here

I sometimes hear voices
I often hear voices telling me that they hear voices
I have participated in a 12-step recovery programme
Cutting is a good release mechanism for anger
It is comforting to rock backwards and forwards and mutter when sitting on a bus
The internet is my best friend
I like Jamie Theakston