are you watching the shopping channel?
Pastel sofas. Ex-local TV anchorwomen speaking sotto voce. Cubiod zirconium jewellery…DANGER!

buy!   sell!   go back to bed!

are you desperately unhappy in your private life? are you staring at a set of fat exquisitely manicured fingers angling an 8-carat Celtic Toe Ring towards the camera? is someone you last saw supplying feeble one-liners to Esther Rantzen on "That's Life" attempting to sell you a cheap-shit Easter break for two in Thassos? and now, is a stainless steel bracelet watch being described as something that is made of steel, and isn't going to stain? hold on - are you beginning to consider £1200 pounds for a Leather Massaging Inversion Table With Herb Oil Dispenser a bargain? An essential? A steal if spread over three crippling payments? and has someone just described a portable television which you can switch on, off and have on standby as having three "modes" ? is the presenter's ability to think on their feet so limited that they have to slow right down at the end of their sentences and continually add the phrase: "which, of course, is very important"? have you just wasted 15 life-sapping minutes watching someone point out the remarkable features of a pack of 10 blank videocassettes, brought to us by Memorex?? have you got the day off work? are you now shitting yourself at home alone because, without the essential "peace of mind purchase" of a suite of expensive home security devices, your house is now naked and unprotected on the "frontline against crime"? Oh shit! Have you just ordered a diamante ankle bracelet, two Zip-Through Polar Fleece Jackets, a Mortice Attachment Plus 3/8" Chisel And Bit Set, Bonjour! - the multi-lingual voice-recognition software, the Presto DualDaddy Deep Fryer, and a Double Curb Senorita Pendant Chain? after parting with your cash, are you not actually feeling any better? » submit your shopping channel observation

written by Rhodri Marsden and David McCandless

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