 Did
he get off with you when you were wearing a tit-hugging, crotch-length
red lycra dress? Yet now, does he refuse to let you leave
the house wearing anything more revealing than a Victorian
bee-keeping outfit? |
 Does
he ring you at work every ten minutes? Even when he knows
you aren't there? Especially when he knows you aren't there?
Does he interrogate the receptionist about who you're at lunch
with? Until she cries? |
 Does
he always need to know your exact whereabouts? Does he know
a frightening amount about electronic tagging devices? |
 When
you go out without him, does he always 'offer' to collect
you at the end of the evening? Even if it's a hen night? In
Stockholm? |
| Is
his favourite ever song 'Every Breath You Take?' Does he play
it repeatedly, at 3am, outside your bedroom window, on a battered
accoustic guitar? |
| If
you're out on the town with your mates, does he besiege you
with dozens of text messages on the mobile ranging from declarations
of love to suicide threats if you don't text him back immediately? |
| Does
he think bondage means tying you up every time you want to
go out without him, and just leaving you there, saying 'you're
my wife now?' |
| Does
he spend hours going through your phone bill, ringing every
number and accusing every man who anwers, even your dad -
especially your dad - of trying to slip you one? |
| Does
he question you lovingly about your past, then call you a
'filthy gutterlicking whore' for not hanging onto your cherry
until you met him at the age of 23? |
| Did
he once discover you wanking, and attempt to chop your hands
off? |
| Have
you started replying to the question "How was your day,
darling?" with the same caution you would apply to questions
from two electrode-toting members of the Taliban? |
| Have
you ever found your teddy crucified and disembowelled, its
severed head on your pillow, with a note attached saying 'HOW
DARE YOU SLEEP WITH MY GIRLFRIEND, YOU FURRY JUG-EARED C**T?' |
| » submit
your obsessive observation |
