 Are
you the result of an embarrassing blunder at the sperm bank
involving donations from Derek Griffiths and Lionel Richie? |
 When
asked your name, do you repeat it six times, then spell it
out letter by letter? |
| Do
you refer to yourself in the third person, despite having
no other signs of bipolar disorder? |
 Do
you operate a barter system with strangers who ask you the
time, demanding they provide you with their name, a six-digit
number, and a date tomorrow at nine? |
 Is
your facial hair as pristinely manicured as a female porn
star's pubes? |
| Is
your head hair as bobbly as an old granny's tea-cosy? |
| Like
God, do you rest on Sundays? |
| Do
you romanticise teenage love in your lyrics, refusing to admit
that for most of your audience it consists of dry humping
and frenching people with braces? |
| Are
you regarded by the nation's impressionable youth as being
an underground garage star even though the last thing you
did that was remotely 'underground' was turn up while Artful
Dodger was recording Re-Rewind and mutter your name several
times? |
| Despite
being lauded by the broadsheets as a rare talent, have Artful
Dodger recently recruited a singer who sounds so much like
you it suggests you were actually built on a production line
somewhere near Telford? |
| Does
your singing voice occupy the rarely-trodden centre ground
between Smokey Robinson and Stephen Hawking? |
| Do
you have delusions of sexual grandeur? |
| Do
you live with your mother? |
