Check the prevailing 'scruffy' style. Are the boys wearing
parkas and extensive head-to-toe skatewear, even though they've
not been near a board since a nasty 14-year-old told them
to 'fuck off grandad?' |
 Are
there fashionably photogenic girls clad in denim skirts, batwing
sleeved retro tops and pointy pointy shoes? Are both sexes
wearing standard-issue studded belts, asymmetrical punky mullet
hairdos, and harsh glasses? |
 Listen.
Is a terrible eighties record playing? Is it 'Automatic' by
the Pointer Sisters? |
 Can
you also hear the constant unfastening of velcro, the mwah
mwah of air kisses, and overuse of the word "facking"
in the groups of 35 year old teenagers standing next to you? |
|
Are
there 2 bouncers nearly wearing some kind of SAS communications
equipment, attempting to chat up girls 15 years younger
than themselves?
|
| Are
most of the tabletops covered not with pint glasses or overflowing
ashtrays, but with a selection of the clientele's mobile phones,
lying there like some kind of slug race? |
|
Study
the glass in your hand. Does it contain some kind of alcoholic
Benilyn? |
| Are
there artsy, pixellated club flyers all over the bar top and
tables? Do people who feel ill at ease in this insufferably
trendy environment keep nonchalantly rifling through and scrutinizing
them while taking self-conscious chugs of their bottled beer? |
| Is
the bartender useless at mixing drinks? Is that because he's
really a photographer? Is the waitress really a actress? |
| Do
they leave your change in a little dish, hoping for a tip,
despite the fact the 2 glasses of water left you with 37p
change from £20? |
| Do
the toilets have a long line of people ostensibly waiting
to do a poo, who seem rather agitated at the idea of waiting?
Do you wonder whythe cleaners leave so much Ajax on the cisterns? |
| Is
there some old bat parked on a chair passing you slivers of
bog roll to dry your hands and trying to dust you with a selection
of old Boots Tester perfumes? |
|
Have the fashionista post-ironic bar owners installed a urinal
in the ladies? |
| Are
you quite clearly the least attractive person within a 10
metre radius? Have you just left the bar, feeling inadequate
and vulnerable, vowing never to return? |
| Malborolights?
|
|
Is everyone a beautiful person apart from one guy that's sitting
at the bar reading Moby Dick and looking all "Hmmmmm
thought provoking" but still has no-one to talk to? |
| Are
you quite clearly the least attractive person within a 10
metre radius? Have you just left the bar, feeling inadequate
and vulnerable, vowing never to return? |
» submit
your one of those bars observation
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