 Despite
being pummelled with 10,000 rounds of automatic gunfire, repeatedly thrown on
his back in slow motion by BA, and having his jeep flipped into the sky like a
rugby ball, does this week's villain emerge from the wreckage with a small cut
on his forehead and looking a bit groggy? |
 Despite
describing yourself as a "soldier of fortune" do you spend most of your
time assisting academics who have lost important pieces of paper or farmers who
are having a barney with their neighbours? |
| Are
you friends with a man in a baseball cap and brown leather jacket who behaves
like a sort of Happy Shopper Jim Carrey, playing with an invisible dog, dressing
as a bridesmaid and singing "Yankee Doodle Dandy" to trees? |
 Does
a white-haired man with a cigar occasionally pop his head out of a Godzilla costume
with the kind of shit-eating grin that covers his inner voice screaming "I
once spent two days snogging a wet Audrey Hepburn and now this is what passes
for my career"? |
 Are
you not going on no plane, fool? If so, how did they get you into Vietnam? On
a bus? |
| If
left in a barn, can you make a full-scale Sherman tank with just a lawnmower,
a drainpipe, and some lengths of piano wire? |
| In
your experience, is the best way to obtain illegal army-surplus weaponry to send
a suave man with a pastel suit and Princess Diana haircut to go and ask for it
while wearing a false moustache? |
| Have
you ever infiltrated the home of an enemy by dressing as an unconvincing waiter
while an accomplice hid in a food trolley, filling profiteroles with plastic explosive? |
| Would
your covert operations be made a lot easier if one of your number's range of disguises
wasn't limited by his being a 220 pound black man wearing enough jewellery to
lash down a battleship |
| While
we're at it, is your idea of an inconspicious vehicle a large black Dodge van
with a big red swoosh down the side? |
| When
being chased by men in jeeps, are your pursuers' efforts constantly thwarted by
ramps concealed under bushes? |
Is
your aim so appallingly atrocious that with 1000 rounds you fail to hit anybody
you ever shoot at? In fact, come to think of it, what did you do in Vietnam? Cook?
|
| Do
you pity the fool? |
| Do
you love it when a plan comes together? Derr de-de derr! De-de Derr! |
| Will
that cigar kill you in the end? |
| » submit
your A Team observation |
