A sunny day, so I took radio, book, flask and tupperware container (full of pasta, corned beef and salad cream - a dole meal) down to the beach.

The morning was fine, with no hassle from drunks, weirdos or anyone. (Enya wasn't even played on the radio, remarkably). The sound of the waves and the smell of the sea air weaved their usual magic as I watched the fishing trawlers heading out, accompanied by their trail of gulls (and the odd confused pigeon). Bliss.

Cue the afternoon then, and a woman approaching along the beach from the east. She looked perfectly normal, but I was about to have a low-density yet nevertheless bizarre experience...

Her: Hey, you! Stop doing that!
Me: Uh?
Her: Why are you putting that towel over your head like that?
Me: You what???
Her: The towel. It's upsetting my children. They keep asking what you're doing. Benjamin, come back here.
Me: I'm re-lighting my cigarette. It's windy.
Her: I know what you're doing, and it's disgusting. I don't want my children seeing that kind of thing.
Me: Do you want your children to hear loads of swearing?
Her: No!
Me: Well go away then.

Stupid bitch.

Duncan

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