10 Reasons Why
Jamie Oliver Is  So
My Bitch
Poor poor little Jamie
Jamie Oliver, just like Gail Porter, Cat Deeley, Lisa Rogers,
Samantha Janus, Denise Van Outen, et al ad infinitum, is a blonde
bimbo whose success owes far, far more to looks than to anything else.
Irritating, isn't it
And why do you hate him so much boys, and do a little huff
and a tut when he slides his cute little ass down his curvey bannisters?
Because you're jealous.
Here are ten reasons why J-Ol ownz.
1. He can't stop talking dirty
All the way through his books. 'Strip it bare and make it work'; 'Harder
and sweatier'; 'morning glory' 'gagging for it', 'hardcore action in the
kitchen', etc. etc. etc.
2 He is cute
Not some lameoid magazine stereotype of cute, all lantern-jawed and tanned.
Really cute. Julie Burchill put it eloquently: 'Not fancying Jamie Oliver
would be as perverse as not fancying a golden labrador puppy, and I certainly
don't intend to rock the boat on this one.'
3 He is thick
Apparently the only GCSE's he attained were Art and Geology. But who needs
brains in one's cook? This only adds to his appeal. He will not be answerin
4 He is married to a posh bird
Women like men who can commit. If we could just get him off her, we think,
he will commit like that
5 He does housework
Despite being married to that posh bird, he does all the cooking. You
gotta love that in
6 He actually respects women
When asked about his favourite chefs he answered, 'As far as I'm concerned,
all the people I have respect for are women. '
7 He's a bit naughty
Despite all this respect and commitment business, he is an Essex lad.
A working-class bit of rough. You feel that he would, if he felt the urge,
tumble you across the kitchen floor, and not pick you up afte
8 Men hate him
It is fun to fancy someone the opposite sex hate. That is precisely why
Pamela Anderson is so p
9 He facilitates homosexual harem
fantasies
Straight girls like to diddle their skittles over images of, say, Jamie
Oliver and Louis Theroux getting it on. Well, ok, I do. Little Jamie,
with his coterie of mates, so youthful and enthusiastic, makes this easier
tha
10 He's not afraid of moist things
Ever see him make
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