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hollywood v. reality:
house parties
not quite as good as you imagined? blame teen movies
Hollywood teen movies have implanted in our heads the
idea that house parties (going or having) are simply the best thing that
could happen to a person. They lie. Most house parties are rubbish. Where
are the cheerleaders? Where are the jocks? Why is no one having sex on my
pool table? Exactly.
teen
movie
|
real
life
|
|
huge Beverly Hills parental home
|
ex-local authority
flat in Beckenham |
| massive keg
of domestic beer |
four cans of Hofmeister and a £2.99 screw-top
bottle of Merlot
|
|
several hundred sportoids, cheerleaders, jocks,
heathers, dweebs, nerbs, freakazoids, croaksters, punx, parking
lot girls, yearbookers, mall rats, losers, bongsters, sk8rz, skate
betties, L7s, factoids, hotties, lushlets, lesbos, bootieshakers,
and fags
|
six pasty engineering
students, four recently engaged couples, and a garyboy in white
socks |
|
Bloodhound Gang perform live in a huge bay window
|
four people
bring the latest Moby CD |
|
Tyler and Brock arrive wearing Viking helmets
|
Jason arrives
wearing his Spar staff baseball cap |
| Montana and
Leif have sex
on the stairs |
Claire and Janine burst into tears on the stairs
|
|
Bradney rear-ends the prom queen's Ferrari
|
Adrian gets
boxed in by a Fiat Punto |
|
tits out
|
tits in |
| hip
looking DJ spins and mixes great tunes, music pumping, heaving crowd
dancing |
Basement Jaxx album put on CD player, CD skips
on track 03 for five minutes before someone changes it, Abba's Greatest
Hit is put on by some Australian, loud complaints, Talvin Singh
put on, loud complaints, DJ goes into huff and shouts that complainant
can fucking do it then, silence
|
|
virginity loss
|
virginity retention |
|
chairman of prom committee thrown into pool on
sunlounger. Hoots of laughter.
|
Declan
the New Media Manager stumbles on crazy paving, twists ankle. |
| jocks and dweebs
face off on the patio |
rugby lads and indie kids in separate rooms,
ignoring each other
|
|
plenty of sex on the double bed
|
plenty of coats
on the double bed |
|
Britanny and Vanessa are locked in the toilet
doing coke off a false nail
|
Becky and Victoria
are locked in the toilet crying about Declan, the new Media Manager |
|
group of Phi Alpha Nu freshman seize sexually charged trophy from
senior honey
|
group of rugby
lads point admiringly at darts trophy on stereo speaker |
|
Todd, the enormous fat jock, gives Cameron, the
science geek, a wedgie
|
Alan, a paunchy
bloke from Carphone Warehouse, pings Jessica's bra strap |
|
parents arrive back from holiday early, horrified
|
parent turns
up early and installs himself on sofa |
|
house virtually destroyed, carpets stained, furniture
broken, windows smashed
|
red wine stain
on carpet peppered with salt |
|
dweebs create entire virtual woman to have sex
with
|
dweebs show
each other Slashdot stories |
|
stoner girl with glasses turns out to be a 'fox'
|
stoner girl
with glasses gets more stoned |
|
driving home in a drunk convoy
|
waking up in
Dagenham bus depot |
 |
| written by Joel Morris, Miss Amp, David McCandless |
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