the media war on Saddam drinking game
fire up your favourite news provider, buy in a few bottles of your favourite tipple, get comfy. Let's toast the end of the world on television...
| on TV, you see... | no of fingers to drink |
| a desert | 1 |
| a blasted, empty Iraqi pick-up truck with the door hanging off while a journalist intones “…they died here” but no bodies | 2 |
| the same shot of Reading Town Centre purporting to be Baghdad trembling with tinny and muffled 'shock and awe' | 1 |
| a reporter describing the bombing as “terrifying” despite the fact he’s safely ensconced in a plush hotel (with a bar) which will never be bombed | 3 |
| your favourite reporter stating some of his movements are "restricted" by Iraqi authorities | 2 |
| your best reporter conceding that his report from the front is subject to 'coalition reporting restrictions' | 5 |
| A dead body (n.b. a body, hard to make out in the distance, carefully concealed by a dusty sack, does not count) | 10 |
| "recent developments" | |
| British Forces capture a small shed on the outskirts of Basra | 3 |
| Saddam Hussein appears on TV, shouting, looking a bit tired | 1 |
| the Iraqi people miraculously and spontaneously form an uprising against their brutal and heavily armed government | finish your drink |
| America calls for reinforcements | 1 |
| Baghdad sees another night of bombing | 1 |
| There’s been a pause in the bombing | 2 |
| Oh no, sorry, – it’s started again | 2 |
| At least I think it has - yes! That was an explosion. A big one! Woo. | 2 |
| The bombing of the outskirts of Baghdad has resumed today... | 0 |
| A symbol of the regime’s power is destroyed (i.e. a statue)... | 1 |
| ...but not actually the power itself | 1 |
| clichés spoken | |
| “pockets of resistance” | 1 |
| ”fierce resistance” | 1 |
| "unexpected resistance" | 1 |
| “fierce pockets of resistance” | 1 |
| “unexpectedly fierce pockets of resistance” | 2 |
| “these reports are monitored by the Iraqi authorities” | 1 |
| “hearts and mind” | 1 |
| “shock and awe” | 2 |
| “tooth and claw” | 3 |
| “cannon and ball” | 4 |
| “planet of apes” | 5 |
| "yes it's terrible those Iraqi women and children died but let's not forget those folks Saddam killed on 9/11" | 1 |
| "let's not forget this is a regime that tortures its own people" | 1 |
| "lets not forget this is a regime whichs shoots most of its TV on poor quality VHS" | 4 |
| weaponry mentioned | |
| “weapons of mass destruction” | 1 |
| "weapons of mass distraction" | 2 |
| “T-55 tank” (whatever the hell that is) | 1 |
| “Daisy cutter” | 1 |
| “Bunker buster” | 2 |
| “Ass Whopper” | 3 |
| “Regime Flosser” | 4 |
| headlines you may or may not see | |
| Rumsfeld rejects criticism | 1 |
| Rumsfeld accepts criticism | 5 |
| US media warmly praised for 'balanced coverage' | 10 |
| Women Don’t Have The Vote In Kuwait | 2 |
| America reneges on Afghanistan reconstruction aid (link) | 3 |
| Millions face starvation in central and West Africa (link) | 4 |
| bonus round (it could happen) | |
| George Bush starts crying | finish it and go buy another |
| Rumsfeld goes fucking crazy and starts running around the Central Command Headquarters with semtex strapped to his neck screaming: “It’s all Wolfowitz's fault!” | fire up that keg baby |
| Tony Blair admits for one second that anything he's ever said or done has been wrong, even just slightly | 20 |
| The regime's powerbase is destroyed, Saddam is dead, his paramilitaries hand over their weapons peacefully, a democratic state in enshrined, peace reigns for 1000 years | inject heroin |
| send your ideas, feedback, and aggressive hatemail to seethru@fastmail.fm | |
| written by Maqua |